Sunday, June 30, 2013

little almost update.

in the last several months i have drafted a large number of posts and only posting a handful.

i haven't been able to grasp how my emotions have changed since my time as a full-time missionary. and where i can't even believe it has been more than 9 months now i have been home. though certainly for the best but that best surely knows how to get the best of me. by golly it does.

when at one time i was needed, kids would run to play with us, calling me names. grown adults would open up their lives to us and often to the point of tears. i felt like i had something to offer.

where i did have the best thing to offer. the lulls and routine of day to day life often often become a rat race to who is the top dog. a competition we didn't realize we were in. going to school, studying, and working, and worrying about our own lives--as incredibly important as that all that is--we are here on earth to better ourselves and progress. it is just a different focus i had not been used to.

now what do i have to offer, besides all this taking i feel i am doing?

we feel significant and important when we are important to others. had me again realize how others need to know how i appreciate them.

.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

on another note. . . .

i am engaged to be married!

details to follow....

Wednesday, April 17, 2013


i first began writing because i was told it would be good for me. i surely didn't understand what that meant or any of the implications that would happen because of that but i very quickly learned that 

1) feelings expressed out loud by me come through so bland and empty

2) i am a visual learner


3) so when it came to writing i felt i could see that emotion, outside of me, be filled with something substantial or more worthwhile. when i speak words i see them come out and sometimes wish, as i see them--no, go away, you are dreadful looking. but here i can see them and arrange them and make them understood. 


i have mountains of thoughts and feelings that swim around on a page of written texts just waiting to be shared because somehow in some silly, irrational, ridiculous way it liberates me. like a runner who needs to run because it is their sanity. my sanity is to see these feelings and emotions outside of me.

Friday, March 8, 2013

learning to live. a forward.

remember the small child who broke his leg after just learning how to walk?

or the man who forgot how to talk after a recent stroke?

and the athlete who was said to be bed-ridden for life?

the world is made up of second chances, for i believe it.

for us, for that friend of ours, a friend who hurt us, for those people over there we don't talk to, and we don't remember why, for those who knew better (because i probably knew better).

i look back and see how easily i  f o r g e t. the most basic things in life. like that hope i felt when that moment of small miracles happened. or the electrifying pulse of potential i felt in myself. that everything is going to be okay.

the world is full of second chances. of second, third, and fourth learnings. of remembering over and over again.

right now sometime i feel i may have forgotten how to walk in life but i am re-learned and soon i will run. you will too if you remember the past.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

preface for learning to live [again].

We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. 
I have seen that this week and honestly, it has been simple: Take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house. 
Tell her something true when all she’s known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true. 
We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don’t get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won’t solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we’re called home.
— Jamie Tworkowski


Thursday, January 24, 2013

i am still here

these last several months have been a wicked ride.

though i have thought to have learned how to deal with and cope with change--changes i liked or didn't. each change is different.

i hadn't felt myself. i forgot myself. down to a personal identity of what categorized kara lynn. to the building chains of earlier years. to the point of self-scorn.

hence, a not quite abandoned blog. but this writer was doing a sorts of caving.

she really forgot a lot in all generalities who she is.

now i know that that happens to all the best of us, hoping in this world that it will even everything out. how horrid if it was all at once!

but all this long epistle means is that I AM STILL HERE.

Friday, November 16, 2012

non-fictional daily tales. that step of magic reality.

sometimes amid my life of countless changes i have realized that i have forgotten the fight. the core of life.

for the different fights in the different chapters of the myriads of storybooks
are obviously different. for every chapter we aren't waiting for true loves kiss or the fairy godmother.

to pull out the compass or even to let the cheshire cat lead me could be promising.

or to begin each anew--with nothing to lead me but the tips of my feet in those new patent shoes. 

then realizing the steps into darkness are followed by the sunrise from the east on my back.

this tale is fashioning up to be quite daring and adventurous.

stay tuned. life in technicolor ahead.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

this is appropriate. now.


love is the ultimate outlaw.
it just won't adhere to any rules.
the most any of us can do is sign
on as its accomplice. instead of vowing
to honor and obey, maybe we should
swear to aid and abet. that would
mean that security is out of the
question. the words make and
stay become inappropriate.
my love for you has no strings
attached. i love you for free.

tom robbins

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

a lavender's life.

when i was four years old, in the months of  march's i would search outside for the first sign of growth. and as these quite chillier months are approaching i realized i am still on that quest for life.

even when inches of snow have come and gone. bitter cold  freezing gusts of wind have passed, but alas here life lives. here you can smell the life. oh and the fresh lavender still that aroma hovers in the air. just feel that life.

so then to my personal pleasure i took some of that dazzling life indoors with me.

even though the life of the world seems cold and almost mystically dark. it lives. in the natural part of our lives as much as the emotional part. as i work on not letting myself forget that in the midst of these darker and colder days. life is alive. though often hidden. the search, the pursuit, becomes the marrow and beauty of living.


Monday, November 5, 2012

fall favorite.

it is november, and just passing daylight savings time with darker evenings surely brings the rush of cold autumn nights.

and nothing gets me more than being cold. i can hardly handle it. especially since i had been living in houston the last year and half. so in lieu of these teeth-chattering circumstances i am back with body warming drinks. remember the hot apple cider. just my current fall favorite.


someday i will.

i found this list as i was looking back on old things i had written a few years ago. and now i feel i could even add to it threescore more. 

photograph scandinavia
take voice lessons
finish a marathon
view the aurora borealis
kayak acadia
travel to an ancestors birthplace and grave stone
ride a camel in egypt among the pyramids
stay at the grand hotel at mackinac island
eat cupcakes at kara's cupcakes in san fran
go to a live performance of nikolai rimsky-korsakov's scheherazade
raise a dog for the blind
see the new york city ballet perform swan lake

the idea of lists, and pursuits, and lingering hopes, and dreams that have been kept alive for years at a time.

the idea that so much is possible for one person to do. our capabilities are unfathomable. 

the idea of looking back and seeing the yesterdays of having done. and done so much.

i could add many, many more but a working list is where i start. 

for there is so much left to experience. because that is what it is all about. 

from november 2012
someday i will...

be called mommy
travel to all fifty states with family
kiss at the top of a ferris wheel
have my own garden and herb garden
learn how to take gorgeous pictures with a gorgeous camera
run the stairs at a stadium
find a four leaf clover
. . . . . . . . .

what have you done?

and what will you do someday?

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

eventide's glow.

while living in texas i quickly became accustomed to the incredibly vast and breathtaking sunrises and sunsets. each morning i woke up to run to deep glowing bursts of light or to a myriad of colors in the evening.   

light does mysterious things without large gaping mountains to dance around. where with those immense stony towers light reflects and plays with the eyes as they look across the skies. 

though in this simple exchange in the timetable of nature where the medium of light changes to two absolutely opposite ends it is an experiences. to those who wake up early to watch that sphere of fire rise over the hill, and to the lovers hand in hand watching that fire of color slowly descend without a single word exchanged leaves me speechless. does not it you?

no matter how many times i see this exchange from night to day, it leaves me the same. full and brimming with light shared by these majestic rays.

(photos 1 & 2 utah. 3, 4, & 5 texas)

 yes a few of many photos, 
or just many i haven't yet shot.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

memory walk: beautiful rainy fall

taking a walk down memory lane.

and i thought you would enjoy a walk here as well.

this afternoon with my sister and i--we locked the keys in the car. what could we do?

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

what life is: lesson two

today while making a few phone calls i realized that surely no it hasn't been four weeks since i have returned to the life of kara. still with questions on whatever that is.

living on a very strict regimented schedule for the last several months. with a very clear purpose.

everything here has gone on. lived. created. become. changed. where i have done the same but in a very different non-tangible way.

i realized that when a few people told me i seemed different. how is that? i asked. you seem deeper. deeper i though, hum. so it is. then even another who i could have adopted as another uncle said you seem as you are content now. before you didn't seem very content with yourself.

that is it.

though i feel as lost as can be. especially as far as those tangible visible to the naked eye type things. i know exactly what i want. for i am content with it now.

(yes the photo really came out like this)

Saturday, October 20, 2012

dear bosom friend,

"friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "what! you too? i thought i was the only one."
c.s. lewis


sincerly your bosom friend,


Friday, October 19, 2012

new shoes upon these new roads.

i woke up one morning and went out to the fields. off to where the great iron train tracks lie. every morning i have watched this train travel by. coming slowly over the bank of the hill from a more familiar land to one which is a complete mystery--only to the edge of this land have i been able to track it--to where it travels into the setting and blinding sun.

noticing then, the few empty cars on this same train. the same empty ones every time. each morning they pass by empty, alone, and waiting.

i then remembered when life was such i could wake up in the morning and step back into the same shoes i had tread for miles and miles--or of the days and months that preceded the steps of today. so easy. always ready. always waiting. all prepared.
but here. now i have found these soles quite worn from years of travel.
those old shoes do not wear the same of years before. loosing me.
i am in need of new shoes for traveling. different. nothing i have tried before.

but remembering how confident i felt moving forward in those old shoes.
they have journeyed, but not on this trail.
and here again--this overgrown trail is either to remain. for i haven't seen you in a while--or i am to blaze a new one--with my new shoes. barely broken in.
and just finding their way. 

this morning the train slowed down for me. the empty car finally mine. all prepared. how long have you been waiting. until i had the courage to jump on.

today i did. and tomorrow i will tell of the blinding sunset. there is where i am headed. my new shoes. my new path.